Wishful Thinking

Monday, November 02, 2009


So I'll tell you about a friend of mine.

Last night she suddenly said hi to me on YM. She rarely greets me first, ever since she found a boyfriend. It was nice to chat with her again. But one thing that I didn't know, was that she was kinda in a bad mood. Well, please don't blame me for being so insensitive, but we were chatting. How was I supposed to know when we weren't even face to face?

Let's make it short. So she was telling me about how her boyfriend was so immature and didn't have enough patience. It all came to her saying to me, "I hate him for always telling me what to do. I want my freedom of speech too."

So I told her that I'd be angry too if my girlfriend wouldn't listen to me. My friend quickly replied, "you're just like him. That means you're a dictator."

The word dictator kinda shocked me. So I took a deep breath, and said, "well I never pushed anyone to do exactly as I told them to. Even my ex-girlfriends, I always told them it's up to them."

And guess what? My friend said, "you're just like him. Very much. He always told me 'up to you'. Why can't you guys have some say on things, state clearly what you want."

I laughed out loud, and copied and pasted her previous words. I told her, "okay, you just said that you don't want to be dictated, but when he said 'up to you', you want him to tell you what he really wants?"
And I gave her a last question : "what is it exactly that you want?"

Aaaand......I ended up getting scolded, for things I know nothing about. Mainly because she was still angry at her bf, I think. Here's the last thing she said, "you're just like him. Always asking me what is it that I want. Why can't he know what I want? He's supposed to know me well enough, he's my bf!"

And that made me silent. I started to realize, that it was never about me. She was venting her anger toward me. Ouch. And she was the one who started the conversation......

Luckily, Yahoo signed me out by itself. When I went online again, she was already offline. Oh well, save me the energy to calm her. So I just continue chatting with another friend. But... I'll save it for the next post.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

my life after 3 years of absence

Tonight, I have some free time to think. Well, actually every night.
I still have work to do, but I'll do it tomorrow.
Since I'm in the mood to write, I have to do it now, or I'll lose the urge.

This is what suddenly came to my mind, and came out of my mouth with my co-worker.
He was a lot younger than me. He used to talk to me about his problems.
He didn't do a thing actually, he just sat there behind me.

I suddenly just blurted out my mind "what kinda life is this?"

Well, maybe it was the inner mind of mine talking, I just kept talking, almost like a monologue.
"We find a lover, we get married, have children, and then die...."

Being put that way, sounds soooo very simple right?
I don't get it either. But it's been bugging me for days, really.
And I hate it, so much, enough to make me sick of this world.
Well, don't blame someone for being so pessimistic.
Good things have been happening to me lately. Though some are bad.
But still, it's enough to make me feel grateful to Him. And most of all, it makes me happy that He still cares for me.

Oh enough about the happy and optimistic point of view.

What I'm trying to say is........
Sometimes, if we think too much, life gets too......simple.
Just like how I put it in one sentence earlier. Please, don't make me repeat myself.

Alright, alright, I'll just copy-paste it :
"We find a lover, we get married, have children, and then die...."

Get my point? Try to look at it, like....a synopsis. Just a short and simple version, of one's life.
Things might turn ugly when someone's on the bitter side of life, and thinks that way. Honestly.
It sometimes scares me too, when I think of the possibility to just push the "power" button.

Life may seem like a game. It is, well.....maybe just a little. The only problem is, you don't get to save at some save points, where you can pick where and when you want to redo things, right before you make a mistake....or mistakes.
It's like a pick-your-own-adventure story.
We have choices...and most of the time, we make the wrong choices. Only to learn from it. Because we don't have all the time in the world to thoroughly analyze our problems first.

It's the small obstacles.....the so many upredictable things in life, that makes it "a journey worth going through".

I feel like I'm nothing, so small, so meaningless. Just living my life.
Doing things that's been done by mankind, generations before me. Why?
Is it in our genes, in our instincts, to breed? For the survival of our species?
Man......I'm writing crap here......

To be honest? I don't even know what the hell I'm writing here.
My main concern is.....things get ugly sometimes, enough to make me think about the option of giving up.
But why am I still here, writing this?

how do you measure the importance of one's life?
I don't understand at all.

No matter how bad things are, I still can't choose the option of giving up.
Is it hope? Is it my wishful thinking that keeps me struggling?
Is it for those I care about? Is it for my family that will be really sad if I'm gone?

But one thing I've learnt from these past few months.
Hope can sometimes kill a person. hope is good, hope is bad.
It's always a relativity.

I don't want to hope for too much anymore. It's so painful. But still, I'm fighting because I'm holding onto my hopes. I do want those simple things.
The simple things to find a lover, get married, and have children. I don't care about what some people might say.
Call me simple, call me mediocre. I just want those simple things, that's enough for me.

It all came back to just one word. Happiness.
Who in the whole world, wouldn't want to be happy?

It's simple, yet it's fine for me.
But eventhough it's simple, doesn't mean that it's gonna be easy.

How about you? Are you simple like me?

I'm back!!!!

Hello everyone. It's been a while. My last post was "going mobile", wasn't it?
Well........it took three years for me to finally "going mobile". Hahaha....

Okay. I'll start posting...... This is just the beginning.
Since I've already gotten my hands on a smartphone, and quite a smart one, to boost, I might as well start making good use of it.

I was driving back from office a few hours ago.
well.....kinda tired...really, physically and mentally.
But the main reason why I was kinda tired? I'll save that for another post. Hahaha!!!
While driving, it suddenly came to mind. "Heeey! I have a blogspot account!"

Well, it took me a few minutes to gain access back, since I've forgotten the password. Hehe.
And I was really surprised, knowing that I have to use a google account to access my blog. Wow, this is new, at least to me =P
How long has it been anyway, for bloggers to have to use a google account?

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

going mobile

Monday, July 24, 2006

End of A Beginning

She didn't answer.

I could hear her sigh through the phone.

"So, will you answer me now?"

"I.... I don't know," her voice stuttered.
I could sense it, she was thinking, trying so hard to find the words.

"You mean so much to me. You're irreplaceable. And I don't want to destroy it, destroy us."

I took a deep breath, "I know, that's why I need your answer."


There was a moment of silence. Only a second, but felt like forever.

"Do you really have to ask why?" I threw the question back at her.

She giggled almost silently before answering,
"I'm sorry. You're the one who's asking for an answer. Not the other way around, right?"

I smiled. Though it was silent, but we knew, both of us were smiling.
We've known each other for too long, that even at the hardest time, we always tried to smile.

There was a long pause before she continued.

"I'm sorry. But I can't. I think I don't know for sure, yet."

I tried so hard to keep my heart from beating any faster,
and finally rephrasing the question to make it easier for her and clearer for me,
"Just tell me, what am I to you? A friend or something more?"

"I... I don't think I'm prepared to have a real relationship yet.
You know how it's been for me the last couple of years.
I don't think I can stand another heartache. Though it doesn't mean that you and I will..."

"You're still not answering my question," I interrupted her.

All of a sudden, the silence filled my heart, as I've had already known the answer years before.

She took a deep breath and tried to finally say the words,
"You're very precious to me. We've been so close as friends...
If someday I'd fall in love with you, and if at that someday you already have someone else,
for me to fight for you, that is a risk I am prepared to take. So...
Yes, right now, I think of you as a friend."

There wasn't any thunder or lightning when she said those words.
But in my ear, there was only that one word that kept lingering, repeating, replaying.


I've known that already, even before I had started to fight so hard and so long for her.
I just never had the courage to ask and hear the answer from her directly.
So, I finally said the words that I had been preparing to say.

"Still just a friend, after these 7 years...?"

Her silence convinced me.
"I'm sorry. But I can't go on. Not like this. I don't think it would be good for us."

"But...," she tried to say something which I didn't let her.
I couldn't let myself to have a change of heart by hearing whatever those words were.

"If I stay, if I keep fighting for you any longer, it would be wrong.
I used to be sure that what I feel for you is love.
But now, I think I'm beginning to lose the reason why.
It's already been 7 years.
If I don't stop it, it'll drag on for God knows how many years to come.
And I'll stay only because it's been 7 years, 8 years, 9 years, or even 10 years, and so on...
And not because I love you.
Even if we finally got together, I'm afraid that I'll only stay with you
because of the number of years, not because of the feeling. Not because I love you.
That's what I'm afraid would happen.
Even now, I think I'm already beginning to lose it, the real reason. Let alone later.
That's why, I have to say these words:

'I quit. I'm giving up on you.'

I'm taking back the words I gave you every single year since 7 years ago.
I won't wait. I won't wait for you anymore."

I took back my words to her.
The words I never would've had wanted to take back.
But then, even those words, I had to take back.

I had never even once considered myself as a man of my own words.
I had never done my best to keep my promises.
Only that one promise, to keep waiting for her no matter how long it takes, I've had wanted to keep.
But it was finally broken too.

Neither of us could say a word to make the mood better, to keep smiling.
The silence was a void we couldn't find a way to deal with.

The sudden noises around her broke the silence.

"I'm sorry, my family's already here. I have to go. We'll talk again later, 'kay?"


I waited and kept listening until the chatter was replaced by a busy tone.

I kept staring at the phone in my hand.
For me to finish it by the phone, maybe it was better that way.
Because, if I had done it face to face, I wouldn't have been able to say those final words...

Friday, July 07, 2006

Who We Are

The days kept going by.
Slowly, surely.

Why do we try so hard?
What is it that we are struggling for?
What is it that we are fighting for?
Rich? Fame? Power? Life? Love?

The answer never came...

Why do we live?
What do we live for??

Some might say:
Why do I even bother thinking about it???

No, we think, we feel, we act, we analyze.

That's what HE has given us.
The power and the ability to think, feel, act, analyze.

But what if the answer will never come?
What if there really is no answer??

At work.
In the office.
So many people are struggling so hard.
Doing their best to achieve higher positions.
From time to time.
Doing anything, almost everything, to achieve, success.

What does that mean?
To exist? To be acknowledged?
Is the existence of a single human being, so important,
that one should/must, do one's best, to achieve success,
to be acknowledged by others??

Why do people try so hard to achieve success?
That they even forget what they're working so hard for??

Why do we have the urge to grow??
Are humans really created with insatiable feelings??

It's a good thing that humans keep trying to do things better.
Technology to make life better, easier.
It's good.
But will it ever end?
The greed...
The laziness....

Nothing will ever be enough.

The world, the earth, it keeps spinning.
As if telling the humans to keep changing, advancing.
Never stop.
If you stop while the earth keeps spinning, you'll be blown away.
Blown to bits and pieces.

How can the world want us to become better,
when it is becoming uglier...?

We're driven.
By who?
By the things around us?
By everyone around us?
It's like no one really knows what they really want.
Losing the truth.

Why do we work,
why do we live,
why do we try,
why do we struggle,
why do we think?

We're too occupied with the routines, so,
we tend to forget.
We tend to stop analyzing.
We're losing the essence of life.
While life itself goes on.
Life won't wait for us.
The earth won't stop spinning.
Not for a mere human being who needs time to stop and think about it all.

No, they won't wait.
The humans, the world, the earth, the sun, the universe.
It's eating away our life by one simple rule of the world: TIME.

So, if you should stop,
either you need it/feel like it,
or you're forced to,
don't take too long.

We're not blessed with that privilege.
We are driven to go along with the absolute rule of time.

We'll never know who we really are.
We are all lost.

Only the chosen, blessed ones, know the answers.
If you're one of them, be thankful.

So, let's just get along with Time.
Don't question things you shouldn't.
Don't question things that no mere human being can answer.
The limitation of time, that's what makes human learn by making mistakes.
Trial and error.
Because we don't have forever.

Let's abide by the rules.
Let's just do our best, while not forgetting how to enjoy life...

Have a nice weekend.

Monday, July 03, 2006

The Balance (part II)

"It's there"

What is there??!!

"You know what it is."

I don't know what it is...
I don't know what is there, what is here.

"Talk to him."

Who's him?
Who's here?
Who's there?

(will you shut the hell up and quit asking for awhile?)

What the?

(I'm here)

Who are you?
What are you?
Why are you here?

(Didn't I tell you to quit asking for awhile?)

You're the one that's driving me insane, aren't you?
You're the one causing the imbalance??

(You're so stupid)

Not that it's an absolute truth that I wouldn't approve.
But I just can't take those words from you.

(Good. The emotion is good)

What the hell are you trying to say?

(Npw listen carefully. I am you. I am the one you can't live without.
I am the one thing that everyone has inside themselves.)

Hey, Kid!
Where are you?
Come out here!!

(Why would you need him?)

Where is he??!!

(Nothing. I didn't do a thing to him. He's right there. Look behind you.)

Why are you shivering?
What is going on?
Who's this guy?


Hey, it's alright.
It's him, isn't it?
Who's he?
What has he done to you...?

(I can't understand why you even let him stay here.
He's useless. Trash. Nothing good will ever come out of his existence)

Will you shut your f*cking mouth?!
I'm not talking to you...yet.

Hey, Kid...?
It's alright.
I'm here.
Don't be afraid of him.

Now tell me.
Who is he?


The three of us stood silently.

(Oh, for God's sake, you stupid kid! Just answer him!)

Stop it, will you?
Just give him a break...

The new man shrugged his shoulders.
I don't like him. I have a strange feeling about him.
I think I'm beginning to understand what's causing the imbalance.

The boy kept staring at the floor.
As I touched his shoulders to calm him, he slowly lift his face.
His stare at the new man.

"He's you."

What the hell??
What are you saying??!!

"He's me."

(He's right, you bozo. You know that too. You can feel it right?
So just admit it, and accept the fact that we are one.)


I couldn't finish it.
As I focused my eyes to see his face, it was slowly coming to shape...
It was like staring in the mirror.


(We are one.
We are inseparable.
We are what we are)

Stop talking nonsense!!!
Stop beating around the bush!
Just answer my question, who are you?!

(I'll let the boy answer that.
Won't be acceptable to you if i was the one to give you the truth.)

Who is he?

"He's you.
He's me.
He's us."

I don't understand.
What are you trying to say?

"Your..., no, our... alter-ego.
The dark side.
The evil inside of us.
Inside of every human being.
He's the evil inside of us."

Why... I won't allow that!!
Leave! Leave now!!! Or I'll...

(Or you'll what?
I'm already here...
The fact that I am here, is already proof,
that my existence is acknowledged.
No, more precisely, realized.
You just have to accept that, accept the fact that we are one)

I don't need your bullsh*t!!

(Well, the anger is good.
Nope, can't do.
Every bullsh*t, every godd*mned thing, every f*cking words, are all but proof.
Yup, it's positive. You need me.)


"He's right.
He's your balance."

I couldn't say a thing.
I wanted to say so much.
But nothing could come out.
Nothing that could change it.
Nothing could change the fact.

I know, that no matter how hard I try to get rid of him, he'll never leave.

(You understand, right?
You're no innocent.
You're no saint.
Aren't all of us?)


It's positive.
I hate this guy.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

The Balance (part I)

"Wake up"

"Stop dreaming"

"Stop it!"

I can't no longer hear his voices...

Hey, Kid...

Where are you...?

Every morning, I keep waking up with the feeling that a new day has begun.
That someday, I will feel like I'm a brand new person.

The voices... The voice of the boy.
I keep hearing it, faintly...
But not clear enough...
I keep getting the feeling that he's trying to tell me something.

Where are you...??

I'm losing my way...
The path that I once thought would always be there for me.
It's slowly fading.

Hey, Kid...


I need you, I need to talk to you again.


I don't know...
I keep trying, I keep looking, I keep asking.
Why, that's the one word I keep mumbling to myself.
I need to have the answer.

If I don't ask it, I feel that I might grow a little.
Stop asking, that's what I've always told myself.

I'm tired...

"I know"

Then help me...

"I can't"


"That again?"

I'm sorry. I've been doing my best. But I don't think it's good enough.
Not good enough, for me, for you, for everyone around me, around us.

"Grow up"



I'm sorry...
Everyone's been telling me that. I'm tired. You know that, don't you?
You're the one who knows me best.


Help me.

"Can't. Won't."

Please... I hate this...
I keep getting the feeling, that something else is growing inside of me.

"I know."

Then why don't you do something about it? You said you'd accompany me!
I'm losing my sanity here... I'm losing my balance.

"You're not."

Are you leaving me? I need you to keep me sane, keep me balanced.

"It's growing."

What is growing?
I can only feel it, but I don't know what it is...
Tell me...

"Soon, you'll know"

His voice was weakened.
I cannot hold it.
The darkness.
The consciousness.
And everything is beginning to become clouded.
I need an answer...

But I think I know.
Deep inside I know.
My sole existence is already a question.

I'm starting to lose sight.
Everything's blurry.

"It's here."