End of A Beginning

She didn't answer.

I could hear her sigh through the phone.

"So, will you answer me now?"

"I.... I don't know," her voice stuttered.
I could sense it, she was thinking, trying so hard to find the words.

"You mean so much to me. You're irreplaceable. And I don't want to destroy it, destroy us."

I took a deep breath, "I know, that's why I need your answer."

"Why?"

There was a moment of silence. Only a second, but felt like forever.

"Do you really have to ask why?" I threw the question back at her.

She giggled almost silently before answering,
"I'm sorry. You're the one who's asking for an answer. Not the other way around, right?"

I smiled. Though it was silent, but we knew, both of us were smiling.
We've known each other for too long, that even at the hardest time, we always tried to smile.

There was a long pause before she continued.

"I'm sorry. But I can't. I think I don't know for sure, yet."

I tried so hard to keep my heart from beating any faster,
and finally rephrasing the question to make it easier for her and clearer for me,
"Just tell me, what am I to you? A friend or something more?"

"I... I don't think I'm prepared to have a real relationship yet.
You know how it's been for me the last couple of years.
I don't think I can stand another heartache. Though it doesn't mean that you and I will..."

"You're still not answering my question," I interrupted her.

All of a sudden, the silence filled my heart, as I've had already known the answer years before.

She took a deep breath and tried to finally say the words,
"You're very precious to me. We've been so close as friends...
.
.
.
If someday I'd fall in love with you, and if at that someday you already have someone else,
for me to fight for you, that is a risk I am prepared to take. So...
Yes, right now, I think of you as a friend."

There wasn't any thunder or lightning when she said those words.
But in my ear, there was only that one word that kept lingering, repeating, replaying.


'friend'


I've known that already, even before I had started to fight so hard and so long for her.
I just never had the courage to ask and hear the answer from her directly.
So, I finally said the words that I had been preparing to say.

"Still just a friend, after these 7 years...?"

Her silence convinced me.
"I'm sorry. But I can't go on. Not like this. I don't think it would be good for us."

"But...," she tried to say something which I didn't let her.
I couldn't let myself to have a change of heart by hearing whatever those words were.

"If I stay, if I keep fighting for you any longer, it would be wrong.
.
.
.
I used to be sure that what I feel for you is love.
But now, I think I'm beginning to lose the reason why.
It's already been 7 years.
If I don't stop it, it'll drag on for God knows how many years to come.
And I'll stay only because it's been 7 years, 8 years, 9 years, or even 10 years, and so on...
.
.
.
And not because I love you.
.
.
.
Even if we finally got together, I'm afraid that I'll only stay with you
because of the number of years, not because of the feeling. Not because I love you.
.
.
That's what I'm afraid would happen.
Even now, I think I'm already beginning to lose it, the real reason. Let alone later.
That's why, I have to say these words:
.
.
.

'I quit. I'm giving up on you.'

.
.
.
I'm taking back the words I gave you every single year since 7 years ago.
I won't wait. I won't wait for you anymore."

I took back my words to her.
The words I never would've had wanted to take back.
But then, even those words, I had to take back.

I had never even once considered myself as a man of my own words.
I had never done my best to keep my promises.
Only that one promise, to keep waiting for her no matter how long it takes, I've had wanted to keep.
But it was finally broken too.

Neither of us could say a word to make the mood better, to keep smiling.
None.
Nothing.
The silence was a void we couldn't find a way to deal with.

The sudden noises around her broke the silence.

"I'm sorry, my family's already here. I have to go. We'll talk again later, 'kay?"

"Okay."

I waited and kept listening until the chatter was replaced by a busy tone.

I kept staring at the phone in my hand.
For me to finish it by the phone, maybe it was better that way.
Because, if I had done it face to face, I wouldn't have been able to say those final words...