my life after 3 years of absence

Tonight, I have some free time to think. Well, actually every night.
I still have work to do, but I'll do it tomorrow.
Since I'm in the mood to write, I have to do it now, or I'll lose the urge.

This is what suddenly came to my mind, and came out of my mouth with my co-worker.
He was a lot younger than me. He used to talk to me about his problems.
He didn't do a thing actually, he just sat there behind me.

I suddenly just blurted out my mind "what kinda life is this?"

Well, maybe it was the inner mind of mine talking, I just kept talking, almost like a monologue.
"We find a lover, we get married, have children, and then die...."

Being put that way, sounds soooo very simple right?
I don't get it either. But it's been bugging me for days, really.
And I hate it, so much, enough to make me sick of this world.
Well, don't blame someone for being so pessimistic.
Good things have been happening to me lately. Though some are bad.
But still, it's enough to make me feel grateful to Him. And most of all, it makes me happy that He still cares for me.

Oh enough about the happy and optimistic point of view.

What I'm trying to say is........
Sometimes, if we think too much, life gets too......simple.
Just like how I put it in one sentence earlier. Please, don't make me repeat myself.









Alright, alright, I'll just copy-paste it :
"We find a lover, we get married, have children, and then die...."


Get my point? Try to look at it, like....a synopsis. Just a short and simple version, of one's life.
Things might turn ugly when someone's on the bitter side of life, and thinks that way. Honestly.
It sometimes scares me too, when I think of the possibility to just push the "power" button.

Life may seem like a game. It is, well.....maybe just a little. The only problem is, you don't get to save at some save points, where you can pick where and when you want to redo things, right before you make a mistake....or mistakes.
It's like a pick-your-own-adventure story.
We have choices...and most of the time, we make the wrong choices. Only to learn from it. Because we don't have all the time in the world to thoroughly analyze our problems first.

It's the small obstacles.....the so many upredictable things in life, that makes it "a journey worth going through".


I feel like I'm nothing, so small, so meaningless. Just living my life.
Doing things that's been done by mankind, generations before me. Why?
Is it in our genes, in our instincts, to breed? For the survival of our species?
Man......I'm writing crap here......


To be honest? I don't even know what the hell I'm writing here.
My main concern is.....things get ugly sometimes, enough to make me think about the option of giving up.
But why am I still here, writing this?

how do you measure the importance of one's life?
I don't understand at all.

No matter how bad things are, I still can't choose the option of giving up.
Is it hope? Is it my wishful thinking that keeps me struggling?
Is it for those I care about? Is it for my family that will be really sad if I'm gone?

But one thing I've learnt from these past few months.
Hope can sometimes kill a person. hope is good, hope is bad.
It's always a relativity.

I don't want to hope for too much anymore. It's so painful. But still, I'm fighting because I'm holding onto my hopes. I do want those simple things.
The simple things to find a lover, get married, and have children. I don't care about what some people might say.
Call me simple, call me mediocre. I just want those simple things, that's enough for me.

It all came back to just one word. Happiness.
Who in the whole world, wouldn't want to be happy?

It's simple, yet it's fine for me.
But eventhough it's simple, doesn't mean that it's gonna be easy.


How about you? Are you simple like me?
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