Wishful Thinking

Who?

2009-11-02T01:01:00.000-07:00

So I'll tell you about a friend of mine.

Last night she suddenly said hi to me on YM. She rarely greets me first, ever since she found a boyfriend. It was nice to chat with her again. But one thing that I didn't know, was that she was kinda in a bad mood. Well, please don't blame me for being so insensitive, but we were chatting. How was I supposed to know when we weren't even face to face?

Let's make it short. So she was telling me about how her boyfriend was so immature and didn't have enough patience. It all came to her saying to me, "I hate him for always telling me what to do. I want my freedom of speech too."

So I told her that I'd be angry too if my girlfriend wouldn't listen to me. My friend quickly replied, "you're just like him. That means you're a dictator."

The word dictator kinda shocked me. So I took a deep breath, and said, "well I never pushed anyone to do exactly as I told them to. Even my ex-girlfriends, I always told them it's up to them."

And guess what? My friend said, "you're just like him. Very much. He always told me 'up to you'. Why can't you guys have some say on things, state clearly what you want."

I laughed out loud, and copied and pasted her previous words. I told her, "okay, you just said that you don't want to be dictated, but when he said 'up to you', you want him to tell you what he really wants?"
And I gave her a last question : "what is it exactly that you want?"

Aaaand......I ended up getting scolded, for things I know nothing about. Mainly because she was still angry at her bf, I think. Here's the last thing she said, "you're just like him. Always asking me what is it that I want. Why can't he know what I want? He's supposed to know me well enough, he's my bf!"

And that made me silent. I started to realize, that it was never about me. She was venting her anger toward me. Ouch. And she was the one who started the conversation......

Luckily, Yahoo signed me out by itself. When I went online again, she was already offline. Oh well, save me the energy to calm her. So I just continue chatting with another friend. But... I'll save it for the next post.

my life after 3 years of absence

2009-05-05T09:10:00.001-07:00

Tonight, I have some free time to think. Well, actually every night.
I still have work to do, but I'll do it tomorrow.
Since I'm in the mood to write, I have to do it now, or I'll lose the urge.

This is what suddenly came to my mind, and came out of my mouth with my co-worker.
He was a lot younger than me. He used to talk to me about his problems.
He didn't do a thing actually, he just sat there behind me.

I suddenly just blurted out my mind "what kinda life is this?"

Well, maybe it was the inner mind of mine talking, I just kept talking, almost like a monologue.
"We find a lover, we get married, have children, and then die...."

Being put that way, sounds soooo very simple right?
I don't get it either. But it's been bugging me for days, really.
And I hate it, so much, enough to make me sick of this world.
Well, don't blame someone for being so pessimistic.
Good things have been happening to me lately. Though some are bad.
But still, it's enough to make me feel grateful to Him. And most of all, it makes me happy that He still cares for me.

Oh enough about the happy and optimistic point of view.

What I'm trying to say is........
Sometimes, if we think too much, life gets too......simple.
Just like how I put it in one sentence earlier. Please, don't make me repeat myself.

Alright, alright, I'll just copy-paste it :
"We find a lover, we get married, have children, and then die...."

Get my point? Try to look at it, like....a synopsis. Just a short and simple version, of one's life.
Things might turn ugly when someone's on the bitter side of life, and thinks that way. Honestly.
It sometimes scares me too, when I think of the possibility to just push the "power" button.

Life may seem like a game. It is, well.....maybe just a little. The only problem is, you don't get to save at some save points, where you can pick where and when you want to redo things, right before you make a mistake....or mistakes.
It's like a pick-your-own-adventure story.
We have choices...and most of the time, we make the wrong choices. Only to learn from it. Because we don't have all the time in the world to thoroughly analyze our problems first.

It's the small obstacles.....the so many upredictable things in life, that makes it "a journey worth going through".

I feel like I'm nothing, so small, so meaningless. Just living my life.
Doing things that's been done by mankind, generations before me. Why?
Is it in our genes, in our instincts, to breed? For the survival of our species?
Man......I'm writing crap here......

To be honest? I don't even know what the hell I'm writing here.
My main concern is.....things get ugly sometimes, enough to make me think about the option of giving up.
But why am I still here, writing this?

how do you measure the importance of one's life?
I don't understand at all.

No matter how bad things are, I still can't choose the option of giving up.
Is it hope? Is it my wishful thinking that keeps me struggling?
Is it for those I care about? Is it for my family that will be really sad if I'm gone?

But one thing I've learnt from these past few months.
Hope can sometimes kill a person. hope is good, hope is bad.
It's always a relativity.

I don't want to hope for too much anymore. It's so painful. But still, I'm fighting because I'm holding onto my hopes. I do want those simple things.
The simple things to find a lover, get married, and have children. I don't care about what some people might say.
Call me simple, call me mediocre. I just want those simple things, that's enough for me.

It all came back to just one word. Happiness.
Who in the whole world, wouldn't want to be happy?

It's simple, yet it's fine for me.
But eventhough it's simple, doesn't mean that it's gonna be easy.

How about you? Are you simple like me?
.
.
.
.
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I'm back!!!!

2009-05-05T07:08:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone. It's been a while. My last post was "going mobile", wasn't it?
Well........it took three years for me to finally "going mobile". Hahaha....

Okay. I'll start posting...... This is just the beginning.
Since I've already gotten my hands on a smartphone, and quite a smart one, to boost, I might as well start making good use of it.

I was driving back from office a few hours ago.
well.....kinda tired...really, physically and mentally.
But the main reason why I was kinda tired? I'll save that for another post. Hahaha!!!
While driving, it suddenly came to mind. "Heeey! I have a blogspot account!"

Well, it took me a few minutes to gain access back, since I've forgotten the password. Hehe.
And I was really surprised, knowing that I have to use a google account to access my blog. Wow, this is new, at least to me =P
How long has it been anyway, for bloggers to have to use a google account?

going mobile

2006-10-31T13:25:00.000-07:00

End of A Beginning

2006-07-24T22:32:00.000-07:00

She didn't answer.

I could hear her sigh through the phone.

"So, will you answer me now?"

"I.... I don't know," her voice stuttered.
I could sense it, she was thinking, trying so hard to find the words.

"You mean so much to me. You're irreplaceable. And I don't want to destroy it, destroy us."

I took a deep breath, "I know, that's why I need your answer."

"Why?"

There was a moment of silence. Only a second, but felt like forever.

"Do you really have to ask why?" I threw the question back at her.

She giggled almost silently before answering,
"I'm sorry. You're the one who's asking for an answer. Not the other way around, right?"

I smiled. Though it was silent, but we knew, both of us were smiling.
We've known each other for too long, that even at the hardest time, we always tried to smile.

There was a long pause before she continued.

"I'm sorry. But I can't. I think I don't know for sure, yet."

I tried so hard to keep my heart from beating any faster,
and finally rephrasing the question to make it easier for her and clearer for me,
"Just tell me, what am I to you? A friend or something more?"

"I... I don't think I'm prepared to have a real relationship yet.
You know how it's been for me the last couple of years.
I don't think I can stand another heartache. Though it doesn't mean that you and I will..."

"You're still not answering my question," I interrupted her.

All of a sudden, the silence filled my heart, as I've had already known the answer years before.

She took a deep breath and tried to finally say the words,
"You're very precious to me. We've been so close as friends...
.
.
.
If someday I'd fall in love with you, and if at that someday you already have someone else,
for me to fight for you, that is a risk I am prepared to take. So...
Yes, right now, I think of you as a friend."

There wasn't any thunder or lightning when she said those words.
But in my ear, there was only that one word that kept lingering, repeating, replaying.

'friend'

I've known that already, even before I had started to fight so hard and so long for her.
I just never had the courage to ask and hear the answer from her directly.
So, I finally said the words that I had been preparing to say.

"Still just a friend, after these 7 years...?"

Her silence convinced me.
"I'm sorry. But I can't go on. Not like this. I don't think it would be good for us."

"But...," she tried to say something which I didn't let her.
I couldn't let myself to have a change of heart by hearing whatever those words were.

"If I stay, if I keep fighting for you any longer, it would be wrong.
.
.
.
I used to be sure that what I feel for you is love.
But now, I think I'm beginning to lose the reason why.
It's already been 7 years.
If I don't stop it, it'll drag on for God knows how many years to come.
And I'll stay only because it's been 7 years, 8 years, 9 years, or even 10 years, and so on...
.
.
.
And not because I love you.
.
.
.
Even if we finally got together, I'm afraid that I'll only stay with you
because of the number of years, not because of the feeling. Not because I love you.
.
.
That's what I'm afraid would happen.
Even now, I think I'm already beginning to lose it, the real reason. Let alone later.
That's why, I have to say these words:
.
.
.

'I quit. I'm giving up on you.'

.
.
.
I'm taking back the words I gave you every single year since 7 years ago.
I won't wait. I won't wait for you anymore."

I took back my words to her.
The words I never would've had wanted to take back.
But then, even those words, I had to take back.

I had never even once considered myself as a man of my own words.
I had never done my best to keep my promises.
Only that one promise, to keep waiting for her no matter how long it takes, I've had wanted to keep.
But it was finally broken too.

Neither of us could say a word to make the mood better, to keep smiling.
None.
Nothing.
The silence was a void we couldn't find a way to deal with.

The sudden noises around her broke the silence.

"I'm sorry, my family's already here. I have to go. We'll talk again later, 'kay?"

"Okay."

I waited and kept listening until the chatter was replaced by a busy tone.

I kept staring at the phone in my hand.
For me to finish it by the phone, maybe it was better that way.
Because, if I had done it face to face, I wouldn't have been able to say those final words...

Who We Are

2006-07-07T03:24:00.000-07:00

The days kept going by.
Slowly, surely.

Why do we try so hard?
What is it that we are struggling for?
What is it that we are fighting for?
Rich? Fame? Power? Life? Love?

The answer never came...

Why do we live?
What do we live for??

Some might say:
Why do I even bother thinking about it???

No, we think, we feel, we act, we analyze.

That's what HE has given us.
The power and the ability to think, feel, act, analyze.

But what if the answer will never come?
What if there really is no answer??

At work.
In the office.
So many people are struggling so hard.
Doing their best to achieve higher positions.
From time to time.
Doing anything, almost everything, to achieve, success.

Success?
What does that mean?
To exist? To be acknowledged?
Is the existence of a single human being, so important,
that one should/must, do one's best, to achieve success,
to be acknowledged by others??

Why do people try so hard to achieve success?
That they even forget what they're working so hard for??

Why do we have the urge to grow??
Are humans really created with insatiable feelings??

It's a good thing that humans keep trying to do things better.
Technology to make life better, easier.
It's good.
But will it ever end?
The greed...
The laziness....

Advancing.
Forward.
Nothing will ever be enough.

The world, the earth, it keeps spinning.
As if telling the humans to keep changing, advancing.
Never stop.
If you stop while the earth keeps spinning, you'll be blown away.
Blown to bits and pieces.

How can the world want us to become better,
when it is becoming uglier...?

We're driven.
By who?
By the things around us?
By everyone around us?
It's like no one really knows what they really want.
Losing the truth.

Why do we work,
why do we live,
why do we try,
why do we struggle,
why do we think?

We're too occupied with the routines, so,
we tend to forget.
We tend to stop analyzing.
We're losing the essence of life.
While life itself goes on.
Life won't wait for us.
The earth won't stop spinning.
Not for a mere human being who needs time to stop and think about it all.

No, they won't wait.
The humans, the world, the earth, the sun, the universe.
It's eating away our life by one simple rule of the world: TIME.

So, if you should stop,
either you need it/feel like it,
or you're forced to,
don't take too long.

We're not blessed with that privilege.
We are driven to go along with the absolute rule of time.

We'll never know who we really are.
We are all lost.

Only the chosen, blessed ones, know the answers.
If you're one of them, be thankful.

So, let's just get along with Time.
Don't question things you shouldn't.
Don't question things that no mere human being can answer.
The limitation of time, that's what makes human learn by making mistakes.
Trial and error.
Because we don't have forever.

Let's abide by the rules.
Let's just do our best, while not forgetting how to enjoy life...

Have a nice weekend.

The Balance (part II)

2006-07-03T05:17:00.000-07:00

"It's there"

What??
What is there??!!

"You know what it is."

I don't know what it is...
I don't know what is there, what is here.

"Talk to him."

Who?
Who's him?
Who's here?
Who's there?

(will you shut the hell up and quit asking for awhile?)

What the?

(I'm here)

Who are you?
What are you?
Why are you here?

(Didn't I tell you to quit asking for awhile?)

....
You're the one that's driving me insane, aren't you?
You're the one causing the imbalance??

(You're so stupid)

....
Not that it's an absolute truth that I wouldn't approve.
But I just can't take those words from you.

(Good. The emotion is good)

....
What the hell are you trying to say?

(Npw listen carefully. I am you. I am the one you can't live without.
I am the one thing that everyone has inside themselves.)

Hey, Kid!
Where are you?
Come out here!!

(Why would you need him?)

SHUT UP!!!
Where is he??!!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM???!!!

(Nothing. I didn't do a thing to him. He's right there. Look behind you.)

Kid?
What?
Why are you shivering?
What is going on?
Who's this guy?

"...."

Hey, it's alright.
It's him, isn't it?
Who's he?
What has he done to you...?

(I can't understand why you even let him stay here.
He's useless. Trash. Nothing good will ever come out of his existence)

Will you shut your f*cking mouth?!
I'm not talking to you...yet.

Hey, Kid...?
It's alright.
I'm here.
Don't be afraid of him.

Now tell me.
Who is he?

"...."

The three of us stood silently.

(Oh, for God's sake, you stupid kid! Just answer him!)

Stop it, will you?
Just give him a break...

The new man shrugged his shoulders.
I don't like him. I have a strange feeling about him.
I think I'm beginning to understand what's causing the imbalance.

The boy kept staring at the floor.
As I touched his shoulders to calm him, he slowly lift his face.
His stare at the new man.

"He's you."

What the hell??
What are you saying??!!

"He's me."

(He's right, you bozo. You know that too. You can feel it right?
So just admit it, and accept the fact that we are one.)

Wha...

I couldn't finish it.
As I focused my eyes to see his face, it was slowly coming to shape...
It was like staring in the mirror.

....
(....)
"...."

(We are one.
We are inseparable.
We are what we are)

Stop talking nonsense!!!
Stop beating around the bush!
Just answer my question, who are you?!

(I'll let the boy answer that.
Won't be acceptable to you if i was the one to give you the truth.)

Kid...?
Who is he?

"He's you.
He's me.
He's us."

I don't understand.
What are you trying to say?

"Your..., no, our... alter-ego.
The dark side.
The evil inside of us.
Inside of every human being.
He's the evil inside of us."

...
Why... I won't allow that!!
Leave! Leave now!!! Or I'll...

(Or you'll what?
I'm already here...
The fact that I am here, is already proof,
that my existence is acknowledged.
No, more precisely, realized.
You just have to accept that, accept the fact that we are one)

I don't need your bullsh*t!!

(Well, the anger is good.
Nope, can't do.
Every bullsh*t, every godd*mned thing, every f*cking words, are all but proof.
Yup, it's positive. You need me.)

....

"He's right.
He's your balance."

I couldn't say a thing.
I wanted to say so much.
But nothing could come out.
Nothing that could change it.
Nothing could change the fact.

I know, that no matter how hard I try to get rid of him, he'll never leave.

(You understand, right?
You're no innocent.
You're no saint.
Aren't all of us?)

.
.
.
.
.

It's positive.
I hate this guy.

The Balance (part I)

2006-07-02T23:20:00.000-07:00

"Wake up"

"Stop dreaming"

"Stop it!"

I can't no longer hear his voices...

Hey, Kid...

Where are you...?

Every morning, I keep waking up with the feeling that a new day has begun.
That someday, I will feel like I'm a brand new person.

The voices... The voice of the boy.
I keep hearing it, faintly...
But not clear enough...
I keep getting the feeling that he's trying to tell me something.

Where are you...??

I'm losing my way...
The path that I once thought would always be there for me.
It's slowly fading.

Hey, Kid...

"What?"

I need you, I need to talk to you again.

"Why?"

I don't know...
I keep trying, I keep looking, I keep asking.
Why, that's the one word I keep mumbling to myself.
I need to have the answer.

If I don't ask it, I feel that I might grow a little.
Stop asking, that's what I've always told myself.

I'm tired...

"I know"

Then help me...

"I can't"

Why...?

"That again?"

I'm sorry. I've been doing my best. But I don't think it's good enough.
Not good enough, for me, for you, for everyone around me, around us.

"Grow up"

I KNOW!!!

"...."

I'm sorry...
Everyone's been telling me that. I'm tired. You know that, don't you?
You're the one who knows me best.

"So?"

Help me.

"Can't. Won't."

Please... I hate this...
I keep getting the feeling, that something else is growing inside of me.

"I know."

Then why don't you do something about it? You said you'd accompany me!
I'm losing my sanity here... I'm losing my balance.

"You're not."

Are you leaving me? I need you to keep me sane, keep me balanced.

"It's growing."

What?
What is growing?
I can only feel it, but I don't know what it is...
Tell me...
TELL ME WHAT IT IS!!!

"Soon, you'll know"

.....
His voice was weakened.
I cannot hold it.
The darkness.
The consciousness.
And everything is beginning to become clouded.
I need an answer...

But I think I know.
Deep inside I know.
My sole existence is already a question.

I'm starting to lose sight.
Everything's blurry.

"It's here."

What...?

Honest

2006-06-29T02:58:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry...i guess i took too long...
I kinda lost the sense and the passion to write...
he he....here goes nothing....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"What have you done?", asked the boy.

"Nothing, i was just being honest... Honestly, i didn't do anything wrong...," answered the man.

"Well, you're wrong. You DID something wrong."

"What....?" The man looked puzzled.

"Well, honesty is one thing. It is good, but sometimes it's not. And they said that honesty should be rewarded.
In your case, reward is something out of the question!" The boy seemed like he was trying his best to control his anger.

"You were the one who told me to be honest. To myself, to others!" The man started to raise his voice.

"But you don't have to hurt her with your so-called honesty. You've done a great deal of pain by breaking up with her.
Why did you make it worse by telling her it was because you fell in love with her best friend?!"

"I... I...."

You're too much of a fool, bro...," the boy said while turning around and walking away.

The boy left the man, who tried his best to hide his pain. The pain of losing everything all at once.
A lover, a brother, and a girl who chose another man despite their once-so-passionate affair.

*inspired by a true story*

=p

C U next episode (just like in the tv eh?) =D

Lost but Resolved

2006-06-20T03:08:00.000-07:00

Hi....
It's been so long....

A few months....

It was kinda troublesome, since I've forgotten my account name and password......

Silly me, forgetting about this blog of mine for too long....hee hee...

Alright....

Here it goes...

Recently....there's been too many things....
Too much, that I didn't even have time and strength to sort them out...

And I'm not feeling very well ever since I woke up this morning, a fever maybe....

maybe tomorrow, I'll post something....

So, see you again guys......

The Lost of The Willings

2006-02-05T17:00:00.000-07:00

Good Lord...

My last post as april 2005??

Okay.. I'll try to write again

Here goes nothing....

Soo...what was it?? Now that i think about it...i was just checking,
not really in the mood to write something...heheheee....

Well, try again tomorrow, 4 any of u who's reading this....

C U again...

PS: the new year still feels like it's going to b just another boring year...=/

Maybe It's Just Me...

2005-04-12T19:00:00.000-07:00

Yes.....

It's Tuesday......

Actually i don't want to write but i think i could use this time, to write something, and make people think i haven't gone yet =)

My office is moving next weekend
I don't think it's that big a deal
But,
now that i think about it
Some things will change, definitely
All these things that i've gotten used to,
i'm sure i'll miss 'em.

The point is,
though i've thought i'm the simple and easy going kind of guy,
when i think about it thoroughly, i'm not.

I thought i could just let go of things so easily,
yet i can't.

Last weekend, i met this girl, my ex-girlfriend.
I don't know what good will it make for me to write this.
But i just think, "hey, there's nothing wrong with being honest, rite?"

The most disturbing thing about meeting her again is,
i always found myself lost...
Lost in love....

I thought maybe someday, i'll be able to get over her.
That someday i'll be able to think of her just as a good friend.
That someday, i'll find someone much better than her.
That someday, she'll think of me as an irreplaceable friend.

Hell, some of 'em is undeniably true.

But, what about the false ones?

It's just, whenever i see her, i'm always faced with the one thing i hate the most.
The fact that she doesn't love me.
Hell, that's fine with me, actually.
Besides, what good is it in having a girlfriend that doesn't love you back?!

But, one thing that bothers me the most, is:
Maybe, maybe, she's just not meant to be with me...

Yeah, maybe she fits every aspect of a 'perfect' girlfriend that i've always dreamt of.
But, hey, 'not loving me' is not on that list!!

Well, maybe she's the best compared to any other girls i've ever met.
But, she's the worst in just one thing, the most crucial and important one:
loving me....

But...it's just that there's this one thing that i know i haven't found in any other girls:
the ability to 'see' her as a perfect person.

Well, she's not perfect.
But it's me, this heart of mine, still 'sees' her as a perfect one.

Well, not that perfect actually.
I'm beginning to 'see' her, as an almost perfect girl to become my lover.
Why?
'Cause she doesn't love me...
And this feeling that i've kept for her all these years,
subconsciously,
is getting smaller...weaker....

Though it's good, but still, it's making me sad...

It's just that......
I want her, i really really want her,
to be able to 'see' me the way i 'see' her...

Though i'm not perfect, i always wanted to scream these words to her:
"I'M TRYING MY BEST HERE!
PLEASE ACCEPT ME JUST THE WAY I AM!!!"

I really want to 'see' other girls, or at least, another girl, other than her,
with this kind of 'seeing' ability.

If she never tried hard enough to accept someone 'just the way he is'....
I just feel sad...
'Cause i think it's the most important thing,
to have a long-term relationship...

I know, i really know,
that noone's perfect...

I just wish she realizes that, and tries her best,
to accept me, or at least, someone else,
as a perfect person...
As a perfect person that still has flaws, weaknesses....................

Not just trying to find someone,
waiting for someone,
someone who's perfect...

Instead of looking for a perfect person,
why doesn't she try to 'see' that imperfect person,
as a perfect one.
As a human...a normal human....

Please, please....

If she can accept every members of her family just the way they are,
why can't she try to do the same with her lover...?

My best wish for her...

~RYAN~

Monday Morning 9.00 AM

2005-03-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

There was this feeling of disgust in his stomach....
The man standing there just took a last glimpse before he turned his back on the boy....
"Wait!" The boy tried to stop him.
The man stopped.

"Is this really what you want?"

The man shook his head, but then followed by a slight nod, a nod that almost had hesitations written on it. If only the boy could've seen it, the hesitation on his face. Yet it didnt stop the boy, 'cause he could feel that hesitation.

But then again, it didn't stop him. It never stopped him before, the hesitation that is.
The man continued walking. Without hesitation, the boy followed walking by his side.
"You'll lose yourself without me," the boy smiled while saying that.

"This has to end someday," the man tried to stop him.

"No, i am you, and you are me...
We're in this together. Or are you going to let me disappear just like that?
You are who you are right now, because of me.
In other words, I created you. And now, you're trying to get rid of me?"
The man had that empty look while reminiscing his childhood.

"But, if i let you be, i won't survive. I always wanted to forever be a child, but that's not possible. If i let you stay, i can't walk forward, i'll have to stay." The man gave the boy a pleading look.

"That's where you're wrong. You're not the only who wants to move forward. Are you thinking that I won't survive in this so-called mature world that you grown-ups live in?
In my point of view..., hell, in every child's point of view, this world is not as matured as you grown-ups think!
We've been together all this time, you and i. And what makes you think that you can't move forward because of me?
Everyone thinks that every decision they make is for the best, is what a grown-up should make, should do.
Hell, what gives them the right to think that it's the best? And how do you differentiate best from worse, good from bad?
And how do you try to get rid of your past that makes you who you are? Your past that is a part of you?"

The man just stood silently.

Then the boy took his hand while saying, "Come, let's go. I was you, I am you, and I will always be you. I'll accompany you. When you are wrong, I won't leave you. I'll never blame you. We've learned so much, and we'll learn so much more."

The man let out a sigh, realizing that he was speechless in front of the boy's words, before the boy pulled his hand.

"Besides, you need me," the boy finished his words.

The man smiled, nodding, agreeing to his words.

~And so, i let that boy lives inside of me~

When you think you are, you aren't...

2005-02-18T20:07:00.000-07:00

It's Friday....another "Kompas Anak" is done....Well, to any of you out there who hasn't realized, i'm the one who's in charge for the layout of those four pages in Sunday's Kompas daily newspaper.

Ahhh......G5 has finally arrived....It's the latest and most advanced generation of Macintosh! Finally, a new computer for me! A new computer that truly can match up with the speed of my work!

Hahahaha!!

Anyway, that's not what i wanted to talk about in the first place!!!

Well. Let's touch the subject of love....I'm tired of talking bout life....Love is a tiny yet a part of life too.

What?! My love life?!

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What am I supposed to write about?

Okay, let's just start with trouble of mine in love. As many of you has NOT noticed..., I think I have a problem with older women....
Yes, i'm serious...Don't think i'm kidding...!

There's this 27 years old girl...Well someone i knew from my college time....
And there's this 26 years old girl in the same building i work at.....
And there's this girl 24 years old girl (well, though only 1 year older than me, it doesn't change the fact that she's older than me, rite?) in my office too....

What?! You think that's all?! Not really, there's still some more, but i don't think they're still "in contact" with me...

Those three girls are just my present condition, hahahaha....!!

That's not all.....Here comes the worst part:
All of them already have a boyfriend!!!

My God!!! What is wrong with me and girls-already-in-a-relation??!!!!!
Don't mind me...i'm just starting to think that i really have a knack with girls like tem....T_T

The strangest think is....What is wrong with them that makes them still (how should i say this?) flirting with me?!
Aww...come on guys, oops, i meant, girls!!! I know i'm handsome, i'm cute, funny, understanding, gentle, and tender....But that doesn't justify what you are doing to me? I want a relation that lasts....!!!

And the funny thing is....i'm fine with it!!! I don't have a problem with it....I don't mind at all....It's like i don't really want any of those girls to be serious with me....
Is it because of this 5-years-girl (NOTE: 5-years-girl, NOT 5-years-old-girl) that i become like this, being so carefree?
Or am i just still can't let her go....still can't let go of my feelings for her....still waiting for her?
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God knows....
It's just that, everytime i stopped doing anything, everytime i have the time to think about it deeply (though that time is sooooo rare), i got so depressed...No, depressed is to exaggerating.....Kinda like...stunned....pushed back, fell apart......It's not in my plan for me to become a person like this....I want to feel that love again, that true love when i'd really do anything, give anything, go anywhere; for her, and her alone.....

I REALLY, REALLY want to have that feeling again!!!!

Maybe not yet......Maybe that special girl that'd make feel true love again hasn't arrived yet in this boring life of mine.....

Until the day that girl stepped into my life....I'll patiently wait....I'll never stop believing.......I'll never let go of this faith that i have.....

Ahhh......what bull shit did i just wrote???!!!!!!

Never mind me......This is the kind of emotion I'm in every weekend...Kinda miss the routinity of office work.......Gosh, have i turned into a real workaholic.....
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On second thought....me...a workaholic?! Naaaahhhhh...not possible, not even the slightest chance, not in this life time!!! BWAHAHAHAHA....

So, enjoy your weekend....!!!

Lost and Found

2005-02-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

It's Monday, almost nine AM.

Last night, when i was just about 2 text message my friend, a message came.

My friend just had a car accident!!!

The car crashed and rolled to its side. My friend got stucked on the bottom (the side of the car).

It was like a lightning.... It was 11:12 PM ~ i remember exactly the minute that text message came.

I just.....it just came to my mind....I never would want anything bad to happen to anyone around me.....But....some things are just not within our reach....
People come and go, that's the basic principle of life...But have you ever thought about death...?
About how death can be so close to someone precious to you, or even so close to you....?

There are some times, some circumstances, some conditions, some things, that are necessary 4 u 2 finally realize something.... When you're about 2 lose something, or someone, how will it affect your life?
But more importantly, when you lost someone close 2 u, something precious 2 u, how will it affect ur life?
They say, that we can only regret, and that it came after it was already too late... Have u ever thought about it?
Why do regrets come when it's too late...? (Namanya juga nyesel....mana ada nyesel duluan?! HAHAHAHA)

Oh, well.....It's just that....i learn something from this stupid something.....What you have 2 lose, is something 2 lose.... You can never hold onto something too tight....

Life is like a lost and found counter...... You lose some, you get some.....

PS: I forgot to mention something important. If you're wonderin' bout my friend, o well, nothing bad happened. Just some scratches on the leg....At least, now i'll just try to treasure that friend of mine better....'Cause u know...i've had my experience with "traffic accident that could've cost me my life" too, hehe

Well, well, have a pleasant day.....!

And try to treasure anything and anyone you have.....Coz you'll never know when its/their due date will be....=P (due date...emang kerjaan, pake begituan, hehehe...istilah gw terlalu kasar...maaf...hehehe)

Dashboard Confessional

2005-02-02T10:35:00.000-07:00

It's like you're riding at 120 km/h....
You think you know what's ahead of you
You think you're ready for anything
You think you can increase the speed

Suddenly, a car in front of you hits the brake
That's what you get for speeding. hehehe

Nah...I was just kidding....

This morning was amazing..i left to work at 7.15, arrived at my office at 7.45....Wow...!

Mixed feelings...that's what I have right now

Smile, no matter what........

Nahhh....sometimes...i don't want to think too much about too many things....
So,i've decided.... i'll just smile and try to have a good day...hehe

For everyone out there...Just smile, and try to have good thoughts, no matter how hard life's been treating you......

I know it's not easy, but hard work pays, you know....=) I'll always believe that there are many things out there, many good things, waiting for us...

Wishful Thinking can't kill you, it just hurts...hehe

I'll always stand by you..those i love, please forgive me whenever i'm being such a child and so selfish.......................

So, are you going with me, or not? Come on into my car............

Don't hesitate, just trust me.....

Welcome aboard!
Have a nice day...just sit back and enjoy your ride....I'll drive safely, so don't worry.

Good Morning Jakarta

2005-01-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

Hi, it's been a while

When I first started my blog, i intended to write one each day...But yesterday i couldn't write one...T_T

Anyway....Though I don't know what to write this morning, i'll try to think of something, hehehe

Hemmmhhh...let's see, what should i write....?
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Any suggestion, anyone?
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AAARRRRGGGHHHHHH..!!!!!
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Well, i'll write about the traffic in jakarta, our beloved capital city!!!

Life in jakarta, is like living with pollution, especially when you're on the road.....And it's a really time consuming, unefficient life....(Thank God i'm not a driver, or a marketing officer who has to go around jakarta in their office hours =o)

It's really amazing to find a time when you're not faced with a traffic jam here....
Even when i go home at 8.30 pm, i'm still faced with it...-_-

This town is full with busy people....
Strangely enough, this morning, i went to my office without much trouble...Hmmmm...Thank Goooood.....

What the hell am i talking about...?! So unimportant....

Anyway...there are times when you just have to find some light in every darkness you've found....
Jakarta is full with impatient drivers...but still, there are some good ones....
So, to all of you who drives, please...be patient..........

This morning, it is a good morning, the sun is shining brightly....

So, i came to write something like thisss......hix.....never mind me......

I'm just trying to be thankful that I'm alive, trying to cherish all the good times while it lasts
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ureshiiiiii.......

One Life, Many... (what?!)

2005-01-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

One night, I was wondering something.
I kept thinking about many things, 'bout my life.
I kinda lost my way, lost my path, lost my guidance.
And then something crossed my mind:
"Wouldn't it be great, if my life just suddenly end, just end. With something stupid. something small, like falling from the stairs. Wouldn't that end my problems? End of my troubles? I won't have to be troubled with anything, just blank, emptiness in my mind, like sleeping without ever waking up"
(whew, that's scary, actually, now that i think about it again)

Just a few minutes after that, it happened! It actually happened. I slipped from the top of the stairs in my house! Both of my feet were very slippery, I couldn't stand, I was just relying on the strength on my left arm to hold my body's weight!

Are you thinking what happened after that? Well, your'e reading this, so that means, I'm not dead yet (Duh)
I just stood there, trying to calm my mind, still shocked after being faced with death. If you see the stairs in my house, you'll understand how scary.

And then, I talked to Him. "Hey, i was just joking...! Don't take it seriously"

That was a stupid story....

Now that i think about it, i was thinking "what if...", and He showed me what it'd be like, if it happens. And in just seconds, I can see what would have happened if I just throw my life away.

The message of the story is:
1. Yes, guys, He can take jokes, but maybe in a different sense and a different definition of funny, hehe.
2. No, don't throw your life away. Don't even try to THINK about it. He knows...and maybe, just maybe, you'll learn it in a harder way than mine. So please don't.
3. Yes, it was foolish. So just read this, and learn from my experience. Some things aren't necessarily be learned by experiencing it.

Unusually Late

2005-01-24T12:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't have much 2 write yet....
But still, I'll write as much as I can

I'll be writing as wise as I can,
as wishfull thinking as I can...

But don't hope for too much...
Besides, I'm just one man in a world of trillions

Hey, what the hell am I talking about?

I'll start with today, this morning.

Well, not really "morning" as some people would say.
Almost noon.

The rain was really heavy
I just sat in front of my room, smoking
Until 9.30 am, I finally decided to go to work (finally)

10.30 am arrived at the office.
Not much to say.

But what do you call it?
The times when u want 2 break from the chains that bind u
The times when u just think that you're not where u'r supposed 2b, or at least where u want 2 b.
The times when u just know that there's something more 4 u out there
The times when u call Him, asked Him, yell at Him, and yet, u plead to Him
'Cause u know, if u lose Him, u'll b alone, all alone...

But hey, those are just some times...
Sometimes we try to know and to have things
that we're not supposed to know or have, yet (maybe).
Try to think things through...
I've tried, and it was one hell of a trip, haha

I can't break these chains around me.
I shouldn't ask 4 more.
Guess no matter what I do, I just have to wait patiently.

"Patience, my boy, is the key to problems that you can't solve...yet... Maybe just not yet..."

"Mada mada dane...." ~Echizen Ryoma - Prince of Tennis/Tenisu no Ojisama~